Don’t Wait Until You’re Drowning: Why You Should Go to Couples Therapy Before Contempt Sets In

Couples therapy often gets a reputation for being a “last resort”—the thing people turn to when everything else has failed. But by the time many couples walk through a therapist’s door, they’ve already been suffering in silence—or worse, in resentment—for far too long.

One of the most damaging dynamics that can develop in a relationship is contempt. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. It shows up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, dismissiveness, name-calling, or a quiet inner belief that you’re better than your partner. And once contempt enters the picture, it can be incredibly hard to repair the emotional damage.

But here’s the good news: couples therapy can help you long before things get that far.

Contempt Doesn’t Start Overnight

Contempt usually grows slowly, like rust. It starts with small frustrations—feeling unseen, unheard, unsupported—and over time, if those hurts go unspoken or unaddressed, they calcify into judgments:

“They’re so selfish.”

“They never change.”

“I don’t even like who they are anymore.”

At that stage, conversations aren’t about understanding. They’re about winning. They’re about self-protection. And the vulnerable, connected space that once existed between you starts to close off.

That’s why couples therapy isn’t just for the brink of breakup. It’s for the moments before the damage becomes irreversible.

Therapy Is Maintenance, Not an Emergency Room

Think of couples therapy like going to the gym for your relationship. You don’t wait until you’ve lost all muscle tone to start moving your body—you build strength before you need it. Therapy helps couples:

• Learn how to communicate without attacking or defending

• Understand each other’s emotional triggers and nervous system responses

• Shift from blame to curiosity

• Repair past ruptures and restore safety

• Build a relationship culture of empathy, respect, and connection

When couples come in early—when there’s still warmth, hope, and willingness—they tend to move through the work faster and more effectively. There’s more openness. Less defensiveness. And far fewer bricks in the emotional wall between them.

What Early Support Looks Like

Couples therapy isn’t just about “fixing problems.” It’s about understanding patterns, exploring attachment needs, and learning regulation skills that make your relationship feel safer and more resilient.

In early sessions, you and your partner might:

• Map out the repeating cycles you get stuck in

• Learn how your nervous systems affect each other

• Practice new ways of reaching for one another

• Create rituals of connection and repair

You’ll also explore what healthy conflict looks like—because all couples fight, but not all couples fight in ways that foster intimacy and repair.

Your Relationship Deserves Support—Before It’s in Crisis

If you’ve noticed a growing sense of distance, irritation, or disconnection with your partner, that’s the sign. Not when things explode. Not when contempt has fully set in. Now.

Therapy isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about giving your relationship the structure, support, and care it needs to thrive. Waiting until you’re both burnt out and bitter only makes the work harder—not impossible, but heavier.

You don’t need to be in crisis to deserve help. You just need to be willing.

If you’re curious about how couples therapy could support you, reach out. Investing in your relationship early is one of the most powerful choices you can make for yourself, your partner, and your future.

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