Understanding Attachment Styles: What They Are, How They Develop, and How to Move Toward Secure Connection

jennifergrindonthe
May 29
3 min read

Updated: Jun 5

When it comes to relationships, many of us find ourselves wondering:

Why do I react this way?

Why do I push people away or cling too tightly?

Why do I keep feeling unsafe even when things are going well?

The answers often lie in attachment theory — a psychological framework that helps explain how we connect, love, and bond with others.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of relating we develop in childhood, based on how our caregivers responded to our needs. These early relational experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves (“Am I worthy of love?”) and others (“Are people safe and reliable?”).

As adults, these patterns can play out in romantic relationships, friendships, family dynamics, and even work connections.

How Do Attachment Styles Develop?

When caregivers are consistently responsive and attuned, children typically develop secure attachment — they learn: I am worthy of love, and others are generally reliable.

When caregivers are inconsistent, rejecting, overly controlling, or neglectful, children may develop insecure attachment styles:

Anxious (preoccupied): Clinging, seeking constant reassurance, fearing abandonment.
Avoidant (dismissive): Pulling away, downplaying needs, fearing dependence.
Disorganized (fearful-avoidant): Pushing-pulling, craving connection but fearing intimacy, often linked to trauma.

Beliefs & Patterns by Attachment Style

Secure Attachment

Beliefs: I am lovable; others are generally trustworthy.
Patterns: Able to balance closeness and independence; communicates needs openly; tolerates conflict and repair.

Anxious Attachment

Beliefs: I am not enough; others might leave me.
Patterns: Seeks reassurance, feels anxious when not in contact, fears abandonment, may overfocus on partner’s moods.

Avoidant Attachment

Beliefs: I can only rely on myself; closeness is dangerous.
Patterns: Values independence, struggles to express vulnerability, pulls away when things get too intimate.

Disorganized Attachment

Beliefs: I want closeness, but it’s unsafe; people hurt me.
Patterns: Push-pull dynamics, intense fear of rejection, struggles with emotional regulation, often tied to unresolved trauma.

How to Move Toward Secure Attachment

Good news: Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness, intentional work, and sometimes therapy, you can move toward more secure connection.

If You’re Anxious:

Practice self-soothing before seeking reassurance.
Challenge catastrophic thoughts about abandonment.
Express your needs calmly instead of assuming or testing.
Notice partners who offer consistency — can you trust their steadiness?

If You’re Avoidant:

Pay attention to your discomfort with closeness — is it really about the other person, or about old patterns?
Practice small steps of vulnerability (sharing a feeling, asking for help).
Notice when you’re prematurely pulling away — can you stay present a little longer?
Reflect on where your need for independence might be overprotective.

If You’re Disorganized:

Work on emotional regulation first — grounding, breathwork, or therapy for trauma triggers.
Notice when you’re stuck in push-pull cycles and pause before reacting.
Focus on creating safe, slow connections where you can test trust over time.
Be gentle with yourself — your system has learned that closeness = danger, and unlearning this takes time.

Final Thoughts

Moving toward secure attachment is not about becoming “perfect” in relationships — it’s about increasing your capacity to stay present, communicate openly, and trust yourself and others over time.

It’s a journey of healing the old wounds that shaped how you love.

If you’re curious where you stand or want support reshaping your relational patterns, working with a therapist trained in attachment can be life-changing.

You are worthy of love, safety, and connection — no matter where you’re starting from.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re curious about therapy or wondering if it’s the right fit for you, we’d love to connect.