Shame: The Emotion That Whispers “You’re the Problem” (Even When You’re Not)

jennifergrindonthe
May 20
2 min read

Let’s talk about shame.

Not the “oops, I texted my ex at 2am” kind — that’s everyday shame (and unfortunately, I have been there too).

We’re talking about the heavy-duty kind.

The toxic, chronic, self-erasing kind of shame.

The kind that doesn’t say:

“You made a mistake.”

It says:

“You are the mistake.”

Fun, right?

So, what is toxic shame?

Toxic shame isn’t just an emotion — it’s a lens.

One that tells you that you’re unworthy, unlovable, or “too much” for people to handle.

It seeps into your thoughts, relationships, career, even your fashion choices. (Yes, that hoodie you wear to disappear? Shame’s favourite outfit.)

This kind of shame often grows out of childhood experiences — especially environments where love felt conditional, mistakes were punished, emotions weren’t welcome, or you had to earn your place in the room.

Instead of thinking,

*“That hurt.”

You internalize,

“I must be bad.”

And what does toxic shame do?

Besides making therapy deeply necessary?

It shrinks your sense of self: You might hide parts of who you are to stay “acceptable.”
It blocks intimacy: Vulnerability feels too risky when your internal narrative screams “If they see the real me, they’ll leave.”
It feeds freeze: Because when your body believes you’re inherently wrong, it doesn’t fight or flee. It shuts down.

Let’s talk about that freeze state.

If shame were a nervous system response, it would be freeze.

That foggy, numb, deer-in-headlights feeling?

That’s not laziness. That’s not “being dramatic.”

That’s your body saying:

“If I can’t fix it, fight it, or flee from it… I’ll disappear.”

Toxic shame is often at the root of freeze — because when you believe you are the problem, the safest option might feel like not existing at all.

So what helps?

Name it — Compassionately call out shame when it shows up:
“Oh hey, inner critic. I see you.”
Normalize it — Shame is a universal human emotion. You’re not broken. You’re just… human.
Co-regulate — Shame thrives in isolation. Healing happens in connection. With a therapist, a safe friend, or a dog who looks at you like you invented snacks.
Reconnect to the body — Movement, grounding, breathwork — anything that helps you feel here again.
Build a counter-narrative — Your worth isn’t up for debate. Even if your nervous system was taught otherwise.