Self-Sabotage Through an Adaptive Lens: Why Do I Keep Doing This?????

Self-sabotage is a term we often use with shame, frustration, or confusion. “Why do I keep

doing this?” “Why do I ruin the things I actually want?” “What is wrong with me?”

From an adaptive therapy perspective, the answer is: nothing is wrong with you. Your

behaviour makes sense once we understand what it’s protecting.

Self-sabotage is rarely sabotage.

It is an *adaptive strategy*—a learned pattern your nervous system developed to keep you

safe, regulated, or connected in environments that once felt unpredictable, overwhelming,

or unsafe.

Below, we explore self-sabotage through an adaptive lens, and how compassion—not

discipline—is what allows these patterns to shift.

Self-Sabotage as an Adaptive Pattern

When people talk about sabotaging behaviours, they often describe things like:

- Procrastinating on meaningful goals

- Pulling away from people who matter

- Ending relationships when vulnerability increases

- Avoiding opportunities

- Overcommitting or under-committing

- Choosing chaos over stability

- Numbing, shutting down, or disconnecting

On the surface, these behaviours look destructive. But internally, they serve a purpose. They

are attempts at emotional protection, nervous system stability, or relational safety.

Your body and brain learned these strategies for a reason.

## What Self-Sabotage Might Be Protecting

### 1. **Protection from disappointment**

If you never try, you can’t fail.

If you never get close, you can’t be hurt.

Avoidance becomes a shield—an adaptive way to reduce the risk of emotional pain.

### 2. **Protection from overwhelm**

Sometimes the goal, success, or connection you want also triggers your nervous system.

Your body might respond by shutting down, procrastinating, or numbing because the

internal demand feels too big.

### 3. **Protection from unfamiliar safety**

For some people, safety is unfamiliar—or even threatening.

Your nervous system may prefer the predictable discomfort of old patterns over the

uncertainty of new ones, even if the new ones are healthier.

### 4. **Protection of autonomy**

If you grew up in environments where your choices were ignored or controlled, pulling

away from what you “should” do may be your nervous system reclaiming autonomy.

### 5. **An attempt to regulate emotion**

Actions that look self-destructive often provide momentary relief:

- Numbing reduces intensity

- Avoidance reduces anxiety

- Overworking reduces fear

- People-pleasing reduces conflict

These are regulation strategies—just ones that might not serve you anymore.

## Why Awareness Isn’t Enough

People often say:

“I know what I’m doing. I know why it’s harmful. But I still do it.”

That’s because the pattern is *somatic*, not cognitive.

Your nervous system reacts faster than your thoughts.

If the behaviour kept you safe before, your body won’t let go of it simply because you

understand it.

Insight helps, but safety is what heals.

## Working With Self-Sabotage Adaptively

### 1. **Name the protective function**

Instead of “Why am I doing this?” try:

“What is this behaviour trying to protect me from?”

### 2. **Offer compassion to the part doing the protecting**

Self-sabotage softens when the protective parts of you feel seen—not shamed.

### 3. **Create micro-moments of safety**

Small wins teach the nervous system that new behaviour is safe:

- Trying for 5 minutes, not 2 hours

- Opening up a little, not fully

- Taking one small step instead of the whole leap

### 4. **Work slowly and somatically**

Adaptive work happens through the body:

- Grounding

- Orientation

- Felt sense tracking

- Pendulation

- Co-regulation

Your system needs to *experience* safety, not be told about it.

### 5. **Repair the relationship with the self-sabotaging part**

These patterns often shift when the protective part trusts you to lead with more stability.

## The Truth: Self-Sabotage Is a Story, Not a Diagnosis

When we remove the shame, the label “self-sabotage” dissolves.

What’s left is:

- A nervous system trying to protect you

- Old strategies that worked once

- A body that learned to survive

- A person who deserves gentleness, not self-blame

Healing is not about fighting yourself.

It’s about understanding the wisdom behind your patterns and offering yourself the safety

that allows new choices to emerge.

You’re not sabotaging yourself.

You’re surviving the best way you know how—until something safer becomes possible.