“I Must Be a Horrible Person”: When Guilt Turns Into Identity

Many people walk into therapy carrying a quiet but crushing belief: “I’m a bad person.”

Not because they abuse, exploit, or intentionally harm others—but because they’ve made mistakes. They’ve hurt people they cared about. They didn’t show up the way they wish they had. They reacted instead of responding. They crossed a boundary. They stayed too long. They left too fast. They engaged in deceit.

And somewhere along the way, those moments stopped being things that happened and became proof of who they are.

This blog is for the people who confuse behaviour with identity—and for those who carry disproportionate shame for being human.

Mistakes Are Inevitable. Harm Is Not the Same as Character.

From a psychological standpoint, making mistakes and causing harm does not equal being a harmful person. Research consistently shows that all humans will, at some point, act in ways that conflict with their values—especially under stress, threat, attachment injury, or emotional overwhelm (Baumeister et al., 1994; Leary, 2007). Our nervous systems are designed to prioritize survival, not moral perfection. If you endured a lot of harm in our lives with little support, we may often be in survival mode and be engaging in behaviours that don't align with our values.

When we are dysregulated—activated, shut down, flooded—we are more likely to:

    •    React impulsively

    •    Misread others’ intentions

    •    Say things we don’t mean

    •    Protect ourselves at the cost of connection

None of this makes someone “bad.” It makes them human under strain.

Shame Turns Events Into Identity

One of the biggest psychological shifts that happens after we hurt someone is the move from guilt to shame.

    •    Guilt says: “I did something wrong.”

    •    Shame says: “I am something wrong.”

Research by Brené Brown and others shows that guilt is associated with accountability and repair, while shame is associated with withdrawal, self-attack, and disconnection (Tangney & Dearing, 2002).

When shame takes over, people stop asking:

    •    What happened?

    •    What was going on for me then?

    •    What can be repaired?

And start declaring:

    •    “This is who I am.”

    •    “I ruin everything.”

    •    “People are better off without me.”

This shift is devastating—and inaccurate.

Trauma, Attachment, and the “Bad Person” Narrative

People with trauma histories or insecure attachment patterns are especially vulnerable to believing they are fundamentally flawed.

Why?

Because early experiences often taught them:

    •    Love is conditional, dangerous or transactional

    •    Mistakes lead to rejection

    •    Emotional needs are dangerous

    •    Conflict equals abandonment

Attachment research shows that when relationships feel threatened, the brain defaults to global self-blame as a way to preserve connection (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). If I’m the problem, maybe I can fix myself and keep people close.

Ironically, this belief often formed to keep relationships intact—not because it’s true.

Behaviour Exists in Context—Identity Does Not

Modern psychology emphasizes contextualized behaviour, not fixed character traits.

Behaviour is influenced by:

    •    Nervous system state

    •    Developmental history

    •    Power dynamics

    •    Emotional capacity at the time

    •    Skills that were (or weren’t) available

Someone can act in ways they regret without that behaviour representing their values, intentions, or identity.

In fact, the distress people feel about having hurt others is often evidence of their care—not proof of their cruelty.

Repair Is More Important Than Perfection

Research on healthy relationships consistently shows that rupture is normal; repair is what matters (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).

No one gets through life without hurting others.

The difference is not between “good people” and “bad people,” but between:

    •    Those who deny, avoid, or repeat harm without reflection

    •    And those who are willing to acknowledge, learn, and repair

Feeling remorse, seeking understanding, and wanting to do better are signs of ethical functioning—not moral failure.

You Are Not Your Worst Moment

Psychologically speaking, identity is not built from isolated events. It emerges from patterns over time, values held even when imperfectly enacted, and the capacity for reflection and growth.

If you:

    •    Care that you hurt someone

    •    Reflect on your actions

    •    Feel grief or responsibility

    •    Want to understand rather than excuse

Then the belief “I am a horrible person” is not a fact—it’s a trauma-shaped conclusion.

A More Accurate Reframe

Instead of:

“I’m a bad person.”

Try:

    •    “I acted in ways I regret while doing the best I could with the capacity I had then.”

    •    “I caused harm, and I can take responsibility without destroying myself.”

    •    “My behaviour deserves reflection, not a life sentence.”

Growth does not come from self-annihilation. It comes from honesty paired with compassion.

Final Thought

Being human means you will hurt people sometimes.

Being emotionally mature means you can face that truth without turning it into an identity.

You are allowed to be accountable and worthy.

You are allowed to learn without erasing yourself.

You are allowed to be more than your worst day.